| ProfiloShayneFotoBlogElenchi |  Strumenti  Guida |
|
27 novembre Chicken Soup for the Nurse's Soul (Again)1974. She was 28 years old and had only been a nurse for 2 years...still wet behind the ears. Back then, nurses were expected to stand when a doctor walked onto their unit, and you could get a formal reprimand for showing anything that could be perceived (by the doctor, of course) as disrespect.
One of her patients was a 32-year-old mother of three children (all under the age of 5). The patient had come into the hospital three days ago with abdominal pain, not yet diagnosed. The docs were ordering every test possible, and today, she had a biopsy of her ovaries because they had seen an abnormality on her ultrasound. While she waited for the results of the test, she visited with the nurse who had cared for her over the past 3 days...this young woman who always made her feel better as one by one, the tests came back negative.
The nurse excused herself from the room when she saw the doctor at the desk, reading this patient's chart. She stood beside him and waited for him to acknowledge her. He looked at her and simply said "It's cancer". Without waiting for her response, he brushed past her into the patient's room. Standing at the end of the bed, holding her chart like a shield in front of him, he told her the news. The nurse stood in the room, over by the door, wanting to be there for her patient if she was needed. The doctor's exact words were "We got the results of the biopsy. You have Ovarian Cancer. The prognosis is not good. People with this type of Cancer usually don't survive longer than 6 months. I'm sorry." Short and sweet...and emotionless. He then paused for a moment while the patient processed this information. The nurse watched all the colour drain from her patient's face, and saw her lower lip begin to quiver. Still, the patient was silent. The doctor looked at the floor, the walls, the chart...anything but the patient. After about 30 seconds, he simply turned and walked out of the room, past the nurse who was standing at the doorway. Without a word. Nothing.
Her first reaction was to go to her patient, but she could not let this doctor leave the unit without another word. She turned on her heel, and stomped out of the room after him. "HEY!" she whisper-shouted through clenched teeth. "You're not done in there yet!". The doctor had his back to her and he was not acknowledging her. Because she was such a new nurse, she had not had much experience with dying and the only reason she was being so "disrespectful" to the doctor is because she was terrified of going back into that room alone and facing the questions she knew she could not answer. "You're not finished," she repeated..."You have to go back in there and answer her questions." Slowly, the doctor turned to face her. His eyes were moist and his voice shook as he told her "I don't know how."
Immediately, her expression softened. She knew she would have to take the lead on this one, but she refused to do it alone, knowing that she was not legally allowed to answer the patient's medical questions about her prognosis. "Come with me. I'll show you" she said softly, and then she turned and walked back into the patient's room, hoping he would follow her. He did. Together they stood at the patient's bedside, silently watching the young woman's face return from a state of shock. The nurse asked if she had any questions about her diagnosis, but the patient simply shook her head...still too overwhelmed. The doctor looked at the nurse as if to say "Can I go now?" She ignored him and walked around to the other side of the bed. She sat on the edge and put her hand over the patient's hand. "Tell me how you're feeling" she said. The patient's eyes met hers and as they began to fill with tears, the nurse gave the doctor one small glance that spoke a thousand words. He sat on the edge of the other side of the bed and awkwardly put his hand over the patient's other hand...mimicking her actions.
The patient drew both her hands away from her caregivers and covered her own face with them as the tears began to flow. She was visibly shaking now...the shock was wearing off. The doctor looked as if he wanted to get up and run from the room, but the nurse's courage kept him there. "It's okay to cry. This must be really scary for you"...her words were comforting. They let the patient know that she was allowed to express her fears and her sadness...she did not have to be strong for her family right now. All she had to do at this moment, was grieve.
Half an hour later, the doctor and the nurse still sat in the patient's room. The patient had asked a hundred questions and the doctor had answered them to the best of his ability. The patient was much calmer now and the nurse stood...the doctor followed her lead. As they stopped at the doorway, the nurse said to the patient "If you have any more questions, I will be right outside...all you have to do is ring your bell. I'm going to go call your family and ask them to come and visit you this afternoon." The patient smiled through her leftover tears and said "Thank you, I'd appreciate that. And doctor, thanks for taking the time to answer my questions."
The doctor blushed and mumbled "it was nothing" under his breath, turned and walked out of the room, followed by the nurse. She stood beside him at the desk, waiting for him to acknowledge her again. He was silent for a full minute, but she did not move. Finally, he looked at her and said "Thank you. That was the best learning experience I've had since med school." Before she could respond, the doctor walked away.
She worked with that doctor for 14 years after this incident, and they became very close friends. The nurses were supposed to show respect for the doctors in those days...but on this day, this doctor began to respect the nurses.
I work with this nurse on my unit, and although when she told us the story, she didn't highlight her own courage as much as I did, this is how I saw it playing out in my head as she spoke. This is the quality of nurses I work with on Unit 73...they've all got a similar story.
Jenn OUT...
Quote of the Day: "Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it." --Dilbert
23 novembre Short StoryThis doesn't mean anything...it's not an actual experience I had, it's just a scenario that played in my head tonight...had to write it down.
Gently, she sat on the edge of their bed...so as not to wake him. She looked at him sleeping peacefully and wished she could crawl in next to him. She knew it would wake him, and that she would never be able to let him go...so she resisted the temptation. How she wished things were different. She wished he could just hold her and whisper "everything's going to be okay"...and that she would believe him. As a tear rolled down her face, and silently landed on his pillow, just below his chin, she leaned over to kiss his forehead...careful to hold her hair back so it would not brush against his cheek and wake him. "Goodbye, My Sweetheart" she whispered. She stood and looked at him one more time before tiptoeing out of the room they had shared for the past 4 years.
As she closed the door to their apartment, struggling with her purse, her suitcase, and her keys, he opened his eyes. He wiped the tears from his own eyes and whispered "goodbye" into the dark. He buried his face in her pillow, drinking in her scent and the warmth of her body that was still lingering there. He knew it was his fault. He knew he could have opened his eyes sooner and convinced her to stay. But he knew she would be better off without him. He loved her, so he let her go.
Jenn OUT...
Quote of the Day: "Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again." --Author Unknown 18 novembre Circumcision...Yup, that's what I said.Oh Lordy...the conversations I get into, I'm tellin' ya. Today, I had a conversation with a nurse's aide about circumcision. Her daughter is expecting her first baby in about a week, and they know it's a boy. So the parents are trying to decide whether or not to circumcise the babe. Sheesh, the NA's should know not to ask controversial medical questions like that...especially around a bunch of nurses.
For the most part, the nurses were against it. The only ones who were "for" it, couldn't give any valid reasons except for esthetic ones. "It looks prettier", or "It's cleaner" for example. First of all, if you're the child's mother, you shouldn't really care what it's gonna look like for all your son's future girlfriends...blech! And secondly, it's only dirtier if you don't teach your child how to wash it properly. I don't want to offend anyone, so I'll just say that I have no preference, as far as how it feels. However, if we're talking about GOOD reasons to do it, there just aren't any...except for religious reasons.
First of all, health care doesn't pay for it anymore, so it's going to cost you some money - a lot of money. Secondly, if you've ever seen the procedure done in a hospital, it's not fun for the child OR the parents. They strap him down on a cold, hard surface (literally, he is restrained), then they hook up a metal contraption to the end of his penis, that has a barrier which protects the head...then they stretch the foreskin over top of this contraption and cut it off with a scalpel. Yes, they use a topical (cream) anesthetic, but c'mon, does anybody really know if it works (except for the baby)? They say that the baby won't remember the pain and it won't scar him psychologically for life or anything, and I'm inclined to believe that (after all, look at all the other things we're subjected to as infants that we don't remember), but I've never been circumcised, so I can't attest to that with 100% certainty. '
And if that's not enough to deter you, think about this...there are literally hundreds of thousands of nerve endings in the foreskin that you are cutting off. If you're one of those mothers who's concerned about how it will look to your son's future girlfriends (I repeat, BLECH!), think about how much pleasure you may be robbing from your son in future years when he becomes sexually active. And if you're a circumcised man, you can't really argue against this point ("well, I have no problem with the feeling in the head of my penis, and I've been circumcised")...imagine how much better sex might be if you were still intact.
And my last point on this subject is this: many fathers argue that their sons should be circumcised because they (the fathers) are. In the previous generation (MY generation), most of the men my age are circumcised. However, in the newer generations (boys 15 and under), the number of circumcisions has decreased drastically (from about 95% to about 65%...and still falling, according to some research I did on the internet). If you were a 10-year-old boy, would you rather look like your Dad, or look like your friends? I think most would prefer to look the same as the other boys in the locker room. It's hard enough to fit in without having different genitalia to make fun of too.
Having said all that, I must admit that I have only been with one man who was NOT circumcised, so I don't really have a valid opinion on this subject. I'm just presenting the facts that came up in our discussion today. I agree with most of the reasons given for NOT having your son circumcised, but I also agree that it looks better if you do (however, I don't think that's a very good reason to have it done, if that's the ONLY reason you're doing it).
Sorry for the strange subject matter of this blog, I hope I didn't offend anyone. But as I've said a hundred times, I don't write in here because I want you to agree or disagree with me, I do it because I need to make room in my head for more thoughts. So thanks for listening.
Jenn OUT...
Quote of the Day: "I have a degree in Liberal Arts; do you want fries with that?" Unknown Author 15 novembre Jenn's Life LessonsSometimes, I have no idea where I'm going with my thoughts and they just end up all jumbled together...so I make lists out of them. Case in point:
Jenn's Life Lessons
1. Don’t use your windshield washer fluid to clean your windshield when your sunroof is open
2. Do not, under any circumstances, use your Total Gym without tying your hair up
3. Sometimes, it’s better to be happy, than it is to be right.
4. When you’re pouring pee out of a urinal into a toilet, there is backsplash 75% of the time…keep your mouth closed.
5. Life is not fair…nor is it a bowl of cherries
6. When you’re 4 years old, don’t ask “Mommy, what means ‘fuck’?” while she is driving in heavy traffic.
7. Don’t eat licorice for breakfast…unless you like doubling over in cramping pain for most of the day.
8. The greatest indicator of someone’s future actions, is their past actions.
9. I can write pretty good pornographic stories…when inspired.
10. Don’t listen to country music when you’re trying to forget about someone.
11. If you have a small dog sitting on your chest, and you yawn, the dog will inevitably lick your tongue.
12. Don’t wear boots with 3 inch heels to walk around West Edmonton Mall.
13. There is nothing better than a boiled hot dog on a cold, soggy bun at 2:00 in the morning…if you’re drunk.
14. The little hole on the zipper in your jeans was NOT put there so you can do them up with a coat hanger.
15. If you weigh more than 99 lbs, you should not wear spandex. And even then, it’s inadvisable.
16. Do not, under any circumstances, drink Tequila in public. Unless of course, you WANT everybody to see you naked.
17. “The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy” is a dumb movie.
18. A good back-scratch wins out over sex at least 50% of the time.
19. When you’re 16, and you come home from a dance an hour after curfew, without your shoes, and wearing different pants than you left home with, your mom will ground you for 3 months.
20. In nursing school, they teach you how to save a person’s life, but not how to put on those stupid ID bracelets all the patients have to wear.
21. God has a wicked sense of humour. Men hit their sexual prime at 16, and women hit their sexual prime at 35. It is illegal for me to sleep with a 16-year-old. Ha. Ha. Funny.
22. Don’t ever cut your hair…even if your Mom tells you that “women over 30 shouldn’t have hair past their shoulders.” I looked like a triangle-head for 2 months, and haven’t cut my hair since.
23. Trying to make an alcoholic love you more than he loves his rye is an exercise in futility.
24. Always give Gravol at the same time as Demerol (or Morphine, for that matter)…unless you like cleaning up vomit.
25. I have several strange obsessions…cows, eyebrows, the number 8, to name a few.
26. I don’t need a man to “complete” me…I am already whole without one. But one who compliments me is always nice.
Feel free to share your own Life Lessons.
Jenn OUT...
Quote of the Day: "A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart." --Author Unknown. 20 ottobre Oh Henry!I tried to respond to one of my commenters in the comments section, so I wouldn't have to subject all the other people to our little debate, but I couldn't post my own comment. So here I am. Writing a blog in response to a comment from my new friend, "BK". Nice rant, by the way.
When I wrote that blog, I wasn't really trying to be philosophical...my head was just full of thoughts and I needed to make some room for new thoughts. It was supposed to be more for entertainment purposes, than for sparking controversial debates. But since you've given me your philosophy, now I have to respond (*sigh*).
First of all, I have come to respect you a great deal...but I think you know that. I think you have a really open way of thinking, and you have already shown me, in the very short time we've known each other, that there are many angles to explore in any given situation. I like chatting with you because you challenge me, yet you're accepting of the fact that we might sometimes disagree. There...those are your cookies.
I agree completely with your analogy of society to a "pack" that craves acceptance more than honesty. I think it's near impossible to be accepted by society if you don't follow the rules. My only question was, who makes up the rules? Who IS society? Who gets to decide what is going to be "acceptable" to the pack? For example, why is it acceptable in some cultures to castrate females, but not in other cultures? If you tried to tell one of these young girls from this particular culture that she does not have to have this procedure done, that sex can be for pleasure as well as for procreation, she would probably look at you like you're crazy. It's just not acceptable in this culture to NOT castrate the women. I've done some reading on this particular subject, and I've learned that when people of this culture come to North America, they will pay any price to find a doctor who will do this procedure "on the sly". It's illegal in our country, and the only docs who will do the procedure quietly, are the ones who also belong to that culture. The girls who are being castrated are horrified if the procedure cannot be done - it is a source of shame for them if they're not castrated. Who decided that? That's my only point. And I'm not really asking for anyone to debate it with me, I'm just putting it out there as something I think about occasionally.
You made another good point when you said that we are not truly ourselves, even when we're alone, because we tell ourselves little white lies all the time. I'd like to think that I'm truly who I am, and who I want to be, at SOME time in my life though. Even if I'm telling myself a little white lie, I'm aware that I'm doing it. I believe it's easy to convince ourselves of anything we want...if you say something often enough, it becomes part of your truth. However, deep down, where it really counts, I am truly, completely, 100% ME, without the white lies.
Taking responsibility for my feelings...yeah, you're right. I am totally angry with myself for allowing myself to be treated "that way". It frustrates me that I don't learn my lessons the first time around, especially since I know I'm not stupid. I DID tell that guy off, I DID hang up on him, and he HASN'T called me again. He did MSN me, but I didn't answer. It was empowering. I have grown emotionally in the past 5 years, probably more than any other 5-year-period in my life, probably because of nursing school. They make us write all kinds of papers on the "touchy-feely" stuff, and it made me take a brutally honest look at who I am, and why. I learned more about myself than I ever wanted to know. But now that I know it, it gives me the power to change or improve the negative character traits, and cherish and nurture the good ones so that they may eventually become more of who I REALLY am. We talked about this before, and I know you agree with me on this one.
Whew! Almost done. When I first started reading your comment, I really did feel like you were chastising me, and about halfway through, I was seriously considering deleting it and sending you a nasty email. But then you mentioned that you were about to give me a cookie... I readied myself for a big 'ol homemade chocolate chunk, oatmeal, raisin, peanut butter cookie, 'cause I needed to feel some love at this point in your comment...Thank you for the compliment, but next time, could you drag it out a little more? Maybe use more flowery words and stretch it out into two sentences? It was a little bit hard to find amongst all the philosophical stuff surrounding it. Of course, I'm kidding. I'd rather have you (or anyone else, for that matter) think of me as "intellectually and emotionally intelligent" than anything else. High praise, indeed. Thank you.
So BK, it was so nice to hear from you, even though I had to think more than I was ready to...you can't just spring philosophy on people like that...geez! I look forward to our next get-together...New Years is still open, isn't it?
Jenn OUT...
Quote of the Day: "A fine is a tax for doing wrong, a tax is a fine for doing well." Unknown. 19 ottobre Bliggedy Blaggedy Blog IIDisclaimer: This is not directed at anyone in particular. I'm just stating my opinion on something. If you think it's about you, it's not. I'm just sayin'...
Relationships are weird. Not just the "couple" relationships, but relationships with friends, coworkers and family. It seems like nobody is really themselves when they're around anybody else (if that makes sense, then you're probably drunk). I mean, when I'm alone, I'm me. I know who I am, I know what I want, I know where I stand on most issues. But I tweak my personality a little bit to fit whomever I'm with at the time. Does everybody do this? I hope it's not just me, 'cause then I'd kinda feel like a fraud. Now, I'm not saying that I am fake around other people...what you see is what you get with me...but I am definitely a different person around, say, my parents, than I am around my coworkers. And I'm different around my coworkers than I am around my friends. And I'm different around Brianne than I am around ANYBODY else...that's probably as close to the "me" I am when I'm alone, as I can get. I think perhaps these are all different facets of "me", and I can only show certain parts of myself to certain people. Ya think?
Anyway, I was just thinking that it really is a silly little game. You kind of expect the game-playing when you're dating someone, so that's not really so much what I'm talking about here, although that's a whole other blog in itself. I guess I'm just miffed that society puts these "rules" upon us, and unless we follow them, we are tagged as some kind of outcast. Who IS "society" anyway? Are they some big group of people that sit around a boardroom all day and think up rules that we should all follow? How do I get in on THAT action?! And while I'm on the subject, who the fuck is "They"? You know how people say "you know what they say about men with big feet, right?" (for example). Who the fuck is "they"? And why do people say that?
And another thing, I think it's unfair when someone asks me a question, just so they can get a specific response. I mean, I like an ego stroke just as much as the next guy, but I'd feel like an idiot if I asked someone a question, hoping to get a certain response, and then didn't get it. Let me rephrase that, I HAVE felt like an idiot when looking for an ego stroke, and then it wasn't forthcoming. Ego strokes are fun, though, aren't they? Wow, how'd I get here from where I started. Ah, my brain is running in circles. So much thinking, and so little time to write it all down. Get it out of my head!!! Okay, so ego strokes. I remember my psych professor talking about something he called "Ego Morsels". These are things that feed our narcissism. The thing is, our desire for Ego Morsels is insatiable, we can never get enough ego strokes. Our class began to refer to Ego Morsels as "cookies". I don't know why I just told you that, it was just a good memory.
Allrighty then...next topic. Where will my brain take you next on this joyride? Hmmmm....let's talk about how I hate it when someone treats me like I'm stupid. Men seem to do that to me more than women do. Maybe I deserve it, I've made stupid decisions in my life about men, so perhaps they can just sense that I'll make stupid decisions again, and try their luck. Don't they understand that if they want the girls who will make the stupid decisions, they have to go looking in the previous age groups (18-24 year olds, or 25-30 year olds). I'm not falling for that "hey baby, you're hot!" routine anymore (as much as I like that cookie). Or how about the old standby "I can make you forget about all the other guys". Okay, first of all, WHAT other guys? And secondly, if there ARE other guys, maybe I don't wanna forget about them. Huh? Huh? D'ja ever think about that? Huh? Oooh, I hate the game. I'm gonna take my ball and go home soon, and THEN where will all you guys be? Without a ball, that's where. HA!
Okay, I'm done. Thanks for listening.
Jenn OUT...
Quote of the Day: "What comes after the moment that forever changes your life?" (Wow, eh?) Author Unknown. 28 settembre This Is What Love Looks LikeSilently, I watch them from the doorway. They don't know I've been standing there for a minute or two, this couple I've known my whole life. They are not speaking. He is watching TV, and she is watching him. They've never let their emotions be shown publicly, not even in front of us kids. I've never heard either of them say "I love you" to each other. I've never seen them hug each other. In the last 5 years or so, they've begun holding hands in public, but that's the most intimacy I've ever been exposed to.
Their marriage is strong...probably the strongest marriage I've ever seen. They met at a dance put on by his University, which invited HER University to attend. They had a long distance relationship for the first year of their togetherness, because their schools were 600 miles apart. After graduation, they spent 2 months together before she went off to explore Europe with her girlfriends - a trip she had planned for 4 years. Again, they were separated. By the time she returned, they both knew they couldn't live without each other. They were married 9 months later.
Two years after that, my family moved from Ontario to B.C., where my Dad was promptly offered the opportunity to go to Yellowknife as a project manager for his engineering firm. He left her again, this time for 2 years. Every 6 weeks, he came home for 7 days. When the job was done, they vowed never to be apart like that again...and for the next 25 or so years, they weren't.
Five years ago, my Dad got a job offer in Calgary. My Mom was 7 years from retiring with a full pension, and did not want to leave Kelowna. My Dad couldn't refuse an offer so good...so he left her again. He has been living in Calgary for the past 5 years, she in Kelowna. They are still married...33 years now.
As I stand there at the doorway looking at her watching him, watching the TV, I think about all they have been through. I wonder why they don't show their love for each other with outward affection...why she asks me to leave the room so she can say goodbye privately to him...why she doesn't want me to put my arm around her as we walk into the ICU to see him...why she didn't even kiss him goodbye when they wheeled him away to have his surgery...why she didn't say "I love you". Suddenly, I see her catch his eye during a commercial. They smile at each other, still not a word is spoken...but then I realize that a thousand words were spoken between them in that 10 second smile.
Now I know what Love looks like.
Jenn OUT...
Quote of the Day: "Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation." ~ Kahlil Gibran ~ 20 settembre Blog WalkBefore I start on the blog walk, I have some news.
I found out today that my Dad’s triple bypass surgery is scheduled for Thursday. We’ve been waiting for the hospital to find him a bed since late June, and finally, they called. My Mom is freaking out, my Dad is calm as ever, and I’m just trying to hold it all together…at least until it’s over. So…Thursday I will be at the hospital all day, watching my Mom pace the floors, trying to keep her spirits up, while my Dad goes through the lengthy admission procedure, followed by the 4-5 hour surgery. The thing is, my Mom and I are both nurses, which means we know the risks of this surgery better than most people. Today, when we found out, we must have both said “I’m sure everything will be fine” about a hundred times…’cause that’s what you do when you’re trying to convince yourself.
The truth is, I’m scared out of my mind. I can’t imagine losing my Dad. Not now. Not yet. I know there’s only a 1%-2% risk of failure in this type of surgery, but how much risk is okay to take, when you’re talking about someone you love? I’m sure everything will be fine (there I go again), these surgeons do this surgery about 20 times a week. But the patient isn’t just some statistic, he isn’t one of MY patients, he’s my Dad…and that makes it different. I just hope the surgeon is having a good day on Thursday, that his wife isn’t cheating on him, that he’s got a bazillion dollars in some off-shore account somewhere, and that he gets a good night’s sleep on Wednesday. On Thursday, he will have my Dad’s life in his hands, and my Dad is too cool to die.
Okay, now on with the blog walk. If you want to join next week, go see Tanya's site, as usual. The topic this week is:
What makes you special? Are you great at listening? Do you love to talk? Are you compassionate? What makes you, you?
Everybody has a different type of "gift". Some are blessed with outer beauty, some with extreme intelligence, and others with the ability to do some silly, stupid-human trick, like bending their body in half backwards. Although it's extremely difficult to toot your own horn (for some of us), I think it's important that we see the good in ourselves and share it with others.
My gift is my writing. I have the ability to articulate the way I'm feeling in such a way that it usually will touch the reader's heart or mind. One of the reasons I started blogging is because I have always been drawn to writing when I'm feeling any strong emotion, and I've found that this is a good outlet for me. Somewhere in the process of writing down my thoughts and emotions, I find resolution...whether it's in a poem, a story, or a blog. The difference between my pre-blogging life and now, is that I get a little feedback every now and then with your comments, and it gives me a little bit of validation. And who doesn't want to be validated?
And there is also a "bonus question" on the blog walk this week, since it's a controversial week (we alternate between a controversial topic and a fluffy topic). The controversial topic is:
Also, as this is a controversial week... just say pro or against and I'll do a tally on Thursday morning....
Abortion..are you for or against it.
Sorry Tanya, but I can't just do a "for or against" one-liner on such a heavy topic...and I seriously doubt that anybody is firmly entrenched in their opinion on this one. I won't outline all my arguments for and against, but in a nutshell, put me down for "For AND Against, depending on the circumstances" because I think you'll have to create that category.
I am TOTALLY against using abortion as a method of birth control. I.E. "Whoops, I'm pregnant again, but I'm only 19 and not ready for a baby, and my babydaddy has run out on me...I guess I'll have an abortion." If you've had one abortion, and you get pregnant again before you're ready, GO GET THE DEPO PROVERA SHOT!!!
I'm also TOTALLY against abortion if the parents-to-be are planning on staying together, but the mother-to-be takes the "It's MY body, and MY decision" attitude. If the father is sticking around, then he deserves a part in making the decision. Yes, I realize it's the woman's body, but you were mature enough to make the baby, so be mature enough to give up your body for a year until you can give the baby up for adoption.
Having said all that,
I'm TOTALLY FOR abortion if the life of the mother or the baby is in danger, simply by going through the pregnancy. If either body isn't strong enough to withstand 40 weeks of pregnancy, then it wasn't meant to be.
I'm sure this is a hugely controversial issue, and I have SO many more thoughts running around in my head right now...believe me, if you've thought of it, so have I...but I'll stop now before I get myself into trouble. Hope y'all have a great night.
Jenn OUT...
Quote of the Day: "I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person." Unknown 18 settembre BlogHave you ever met someone who made you want to be a better person? When I say "a better person", I don't mean better compared to others, I just mean better than you were before. To be honest, until now, I've never really met anyone who's made me feel like I had to be better in order to be with him. Perhaps that's because I've made bad choices in the past about who I wanted to spend my time with, and those guys didn't have any expectations of me at all. I must admit, it is more difficult to try and live up to someone else's standards, than it is to try and get someone to live up to mine. Maybe this makes no sense at all, and I'm just rambling, but whatever...my blog.
I think it's important to associate yourself with people who are "better" than you in some ways - better morals, better character traits, better ambition - because it gives you something to strive for...it motivates you to become a better person (again, I mean better than you WERE). As my Mother always said when I was a kid, and she didn't like my choice of friends: "You can't soar with the eagles, when you're hangin' with the turkeys."
Jenn OUT...
Quote of the Day: "Our children are watching us live, and what we ARE shouts louder than anything we can say." --Wilferd A. Peterson 16 settembre Have You Ever?I did not write this...my brother emailed it to me a few years ago, and I saved it. Not sure why, it's not the "type" of thing I'd normally save. Anyway I found it the other night, and surprisingly, the way I've been feeling these days, it's something I wish I would have written...if only I could have found the words.
Have you ever noticed that the worst way to miss someone is when they are right beside you and yet you can never have them..when the moment you can't feel them under your fingertips you miss them? Have you ever wondered which hurts the most; saying something and wishing you had not, or saying nothing and wishing you had? I guess the most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of because words diminish them, words shrink things that seemed timeless when they were in your head...to no more than living size when they are brought out...!!!
Don't be afraid to tell someone you love them. If you do, they might break your heart...but if you don't, you might break theirs. Have you ever decided not to become a couple because you were so afraid of losing what you already had with that person? Your heart decides who it likes and who it doesn't. You can't tell your heart what to do. It does it on its own...when you least suspect it, or even when you don't want it to. Have you ever wanted to love someone with everything you had, but that other person was too afraid to let you?
Too many of us stay walled because we are too afraid to care too much...for fear that the other person does not care as much, or at all. Have you ever loved someone and they had absolutely no idea whatsoever? Or fell for your best friend in the entire world, and then sat around and watched him/her fall for someone else? Have you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear of rejection was too hard to handle? We tell lies when we are afraid...afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie, the thing we fear grows stronger. Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump. Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have, or could have had. No one waits forever.......
I'll be there
When no one is there for you
And you think no one cares
And the whole world walks out on you
And you think you're alone
I'll be there.
When the one you care about the most
Could care less about you
When the one you gave your heart to
Throws it in your face
I'll be there.
When the person you trusted betrays you
When the person you share all your memories with
Can't even remember your birthday
I'll be there.
When all you need is a friend to listen to you whine
When all you need is someone to catch your tears
I'll be there.
When your heart hurts so bad
You can't even breathe
When you just want to crawl up and die
I'll be there.
When you start to cry
After hearing that sad song
When the tears just won't stop falling down
I'll be there
So you see, I'll be there until the end
This is a promise I can make
If you ever need me
Just give me a call and...
I'll be there.
Jenn OUT...
Quote of the Day: "You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly." Sam Keen 11 settembre VulnerabilityIt is a good and refreshing experience to become vulnerable to someone you care about...even if only for a night. It teaches you to trust unconditionally. If you're like me, and habitually choose NOT to expose your true self and your true feelings very often, this can be a very humbling experience. You put yourself, your heart, in someone else's hands for a moment, and pray that they don't drop it. You shut your eyes tightly, take a deep breath, and hand it over. Then, they take your heart in their hands, and instead of dropping it, they cradle it with the tenderness you were hoping for. This is true vulnerability. Could have easily gone the other way. My heart could have been nothing more than a bloody mess on the bottom of his shoe...but instead, it is safely back in my chest, beating strong...with a little more trust in people than I had yesterday. And that's worth the risk.
The best words I heard someone else say today: "I am happy."
Jenn OUT...
Quote of the Day: "The difference between a smart person and a wise person is that a smart person knows what to say and a wise person knows whether or not to say it." Author Unknown.
08 settembre Some Men Really DON'T SuckI've been thinking...perhaps I was being a little unfair with my previous blog about how some men really suck...so I thought I'd give a few examples of men who don't (suck, that is).
I once knew a man who would buy me a rose on the way home from the liquor store, just so I wouldn't be angry with him for spending his last 10 bucks on beer. No wait, that's not really a good example.
Okay, I once knew a man who, after having a bad day, would come home and put his arms around me and simply say "I need some Jenn Time".
I once knew a man who took the time to make a special CD, light some candles, and spread out blankets and pillows on the living room floor before "putting the moves on me". Worked every time.
I once knew a man who, when he knew I was having an anxiety attack, would grab my hand and let me squeeze his so hard it probably turned black and blue the next day.
I once knew a man who, at the risk of looking and feeling silly, danced with me in my living room to my favourite slow song, Sweet Jane, by the Cowboy Junkies.
See? They're not all so bad. Some of the men mentioned above eventually betrayed me, and some of the others might still...but I thank them all for the good memories anyway.
Jenn OUT...
Quote of the Day: "Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds, and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders." Author Unknown. 07 settembre Some Men Really SUCK!So, here's the thing. When a man calls me only once a month, and it's always too late to go out anywhere (like, 9:30 on a weeknight), and he wants to know "what are you doing?"...isn't that a booty call? I think it is. And it really pisses me off. Not that someone's calling me for a booty call, but that he acts like I don't KNOW it's a booty call. I hate it when people treat me like I'm an idiot.
And another thing. When a man tries to talk to me on MSN, like, a million times, and I've NEVER EVER answered him, don't you think he'd get a clue that I'm not interested? (Black, I'm not talking about you here) Yeah sure, I could delete him from my contact list and block him from seeing when I'm online, but I tried that, and he just continues to email me. It's easier just to ignore him.
One more thing. Remember that guy I dated awhile back that I thought was FAR too young and FAR too good looking for me? Lately HE'S been emailing me. His emails just say "Hi. Remember me?" What the FUCK does that mean? We haven't spoken for months, and I have never answered any of these emails he sends me, so why does he continue to send them to me once a week?
And I can think of 10 more examples of the stupid things men do when they CLEARLY only want sex. Now, most of you know that I am a very sexual person, and sure, I want sex too...but NOT WITH YOU!!!
My point is this: When it's over, it's over. If we went out a few times and for whatever reason, it didn't work out, don't call me or email me or msn me now...after all this time...just because you may be regretting the fact that you weren't willing to try very hard when I was. Guys, you get only one chance to NOT shatter my ego, and if you choose to hurt me with your shallowness, I will NOT be interested at a later time. It's the Leo curse. Get it? Got it? Good!
Jenn OUT...
Quote of the Day: "That night, I went out to pee and heard animal noises. Teresa was awake too and I said "Honey, there's moose and wolves out there." So she goes out, comes back in and says "Those are cows and coyotes, honey". I think moose and wolves sounds more outdoorsy but she was right." Brianne (TOO FRICKIN' FUNNY!)
04 settembre Stop Reading NOW If You're Easily OffendedI know there are a few people who read my blogs that might be easily offended by religious jokes, and it is NOT my intention to offend anyone. Having said that, I just have to tell you this funny joke I heard last night. Actually, it's a bit that George Carlin does, and I'm paraphrasing, so don't freak out if you know the exact words and I'm saying it wrong:
George Carlin:
Let me tell you about "The Church". These people expect us to believe that there is an invisible man in the sky. This man created all of the earth, moon and stars, as well as man, woman and child. He says we must follow 10 rules He has made up, and if we don't, we will go to this place called Hell, where we will burn for all eternity.
But he loves us.
And he needs money.
One of the nurses' aides told me this joke last night, and I almost peed my pants...then she went on to say that her son said something funny to her the other night that cracked her up. This is what he said:
"The definition of a holy war is two countries fighting over who has the better imaginary friend"
Okay, at this point, I think I might have squirted a little. I believe in a "higher power", but I am not a fan of organized religion. I don't care if you are, though, as long as you don't push your beliefs on me. I have seen so many families find strength in their faith when their loved one is dying or sick, and I have a healthy respect for that, but sometimes laughter is the best medicine. Please don't judge me for making fun.
Jenn OUT...
Quote of the Day: "One out of four people in this country is mentally unbalanced. Think of your three closest friends...if they seem okay, then you're the one." Unknown Author
03 settembre Saturday Blog WalkThis week's topic for the Saturday Blog Walk, brought to you by Christine, is
Who is the funniest person you know,
and why?
That's easy. The funniest person I know, by far, is my best friend Brianne. It's not that she tells jokes or has a funny life, it's just the WAY she describes things that's funny. If you don't believe me, check out her blog. Brianne and I have known each other for about 2 and a half years, and the banter we have is legendary. People laugh when they're around us (just ask Vulcan Boy). Here's a sample of a conversation we have actually had.
We were watching Jerry Springer one morning, back when she lived with me, and I was complaining that the midgets on the show could have 2 girls fighting over them, and I had trouble finding one good man.
J: It's not fair, how come people like that can find love, and I can't?
B: They have a gimmick...you need a gimmick.
J: A gimmick?
B: Well yeah, they're midgets. That's their gimmick. If you could find yourself a gimmick, you'd have no problem.
J: Surely I already have a gimmick, don't I?
B: Well, you ARE obsessive-compulsive, swear like a trucker, and you've got that whole "belching-louder-than-anyone-I-know" thing.
J: I'm a really good person, I have lot to offer a guy, isn't that a gimmick?
B: No.
J: Why not?
B: It just isn't.
J: Oh.
Then we turn back to the show, and have the same banter on a different subject a few minutes later.
I can talk to Brianne about anything, and she never judges me...she makes fun of me, yeah, but she can take it as well as she dishes it out. And she IS a freak, so she's easy to make fun of, believe me.
Jenn OUT...
P.S. Lizzifer (known to Brianne and I simply as "Puke") comes in at a very close second place for the funniest person I know. She is a fellow spacer, and we have also developed quite a funny banter, she and I. You should check out her space sometime, too.
Quote of the Day: "If you think about what you ought to do for other people, your character will take care of itself." Woodrow Wilson
02 settembre Angel of Death? The story of Flo.I walked into her room and there she lay...broken. Her respirations sound like she's breathing through a snorkel that has a little water caught in the hook. I suction her, gently sliding the tube past her mouth into her trachea...she has no gag reflex. She stares at the ceiling with empty eyes. I believe her soul is fighting to leave her body. Her breathing quiets, for a little while. I have known this woman for about 5 weeks, since she was admitted to our unit. Five weeks ago, she was a pistol. She could walk, talk, and cut her own meat. Three weeks ago, she stopped walking. Two weeks ago, she stopped eating. One week ago, she stopped talking. Her family changed her Resuscitation Level to "Level III"...Comfort Measures Only...Palliative. Her family knows (and she knows) she is going to die here.
As I straighten her blankets, I talk to her...not really knowing if she can hear or understand me (but I believe strongly that she can). Her eyes do not move from that spot on the ceiling. I finish my initial assessment of her heart (still beating strong, due to a god damned pacemaker), her lungs (quickly filling with mucous that she can no longer expel on her own), her abdomen (bowel sounds times four quadrants), her legs and feet (extremely swollen and mottled due to poor circulation). Mottling in the extremities is a sure sign of imminent death...it looks like all the blood is pooling to the bottom of her legs, where they lay against the sheets. Feeling a lump in my throat, and fighting the urge to cry, I take her hand in mine, lean down close to her ear so that only she can hear me, and I say "it's time to go, Flo...whenever you're ready". I give her hand a final squeeze, suction her trachea one more time for good measure, and leave the room to check on my other 5 patients.
Five minutes later, her family arrives to keep their almost-constant vigil at her bedside, waiting for her to take her last breath. Fifteen minutes after THAT, the family rings her call bell, summoning me to her room. On the way there, I grab my stethoscope...I have a feeling I'll need it. Her family members are bawling and holding her hands. The daughter says "Jenn, I think she's gone". I look, I listen, I feel. She is gone. Her eyes are still staring at that spot on the ceiling. Her breath is finally quiet...no more snorkel. I comfort the family, and they are brave and strong and unselfish...letting Flo go to a better place, and understanding her need to be gone from here.
Flo's family hugs me and thanks me for taking such good care of their mother/wife for the last 5 weeks. I feel honoured and humbled. One by one, other nurses and nurse's aides trickle into the room to say their final goodbyes to Flo and to her family. Each one of them gets a hug and a heartfelt "thank you" from the family members. We each have a special story to share with Flo's family about 'back in the day' when Flo would tell us that "I can do it myself! Geez! Why you guys always gotta fawn over me this way!", or "I don't have to eat this crappy hospital food if I don't wanna, I'm a big girl, I can decide for myself!" Ah yes, she was a pistol. But we grew to love her, and she grew to love us. Her family became a fixture at her bedside about 2 weeks ago, and we all grew to love them too. We all said our goodbyes, and left the family alone with Flo to say a final farewell. Then, a few of us gathered in the nurses' report room to "debrief". It seems like after the death of someone we all cared for and knew for so long, we always need to talk to each other, comfort each other, and laugh with each other about when the person was not so close to death.
This was how the first hour of my shift went last night. And THIS, ladies and gentlemen, is why I'm a Nurse.
Jenn OUT...
Quote of the Day: "Death and love are the two wings that bear the good man to heaven." Michelangelo 23 agosto Blog Walk - Week 5Time for the weekly Blog Walk again, courtesy of Tanya. Go visit her site for more info, and sign up for next week!
The topic this week is:
Death Penalty - For or Against
Yet another controversial subject, and there is so much to write about it. However, I have found that there are now so many people involved in this Blog Walk, that it's too time consuming to read any really long entries. So I'll start now and try to keep it short.
I agree with the death penalty, but only in certain instances. I think any type of sexual exploitation or violation of a minor, and first degree murder (i.e. planned) deserves the death penalty. It is our duty (as a society) to protect the innocents...the children who cannot protect themselves, so anyone who violates children in a way that will affect how they behave and grow is a monster, in my eyes. I do not believe that sex offenders can be completely rehabilitated. Even with chemical castration, which only removes the desire for sex, NOT the desire for control and violence, which is really what sexual violation is all about.
As for murderers, I think there is an aweful lot of grey areas where second- and third-degree murder is concerned. Someone could have been at the wrong place at the wrong time, or perhaps the murderer became involved with "the wrong crowd" and was just too chicken-shit to step up and stop the person who actually committed the crime. I think that person should definitely be punished with life in prison, but the one who actually takes the time to plan and execute the murder should be shot and pissed on...not necessarily in that order.
There are, of course, so many other issues to consider in this topic. For instance,
a) how does plea-bargaining affect the outcome? Someone who commits first-degree murder could easily plea-bargain him/herself out to a lesser charge when really, they should get the death penalty
b) what about the wrongfully convicted? There have been dozens (hundreds?) of cases recorded where the wrong person was sent to prison and only years later, did the justice system find their error. If only one person was sent to his/her death mistakenly, is it really worth taking the chance?
c) why should society be forced to pay for the food, shelter, therapy, and entertainment of people who commit violent crimes...wouldn't it be less expensive for the taxpayer to just pay a one-time-only execution fee?
d) Is it really possible for a person to be rehabilitated after years of therapy? I don't believe so, but what if I'm wrong? What if that person turns out to be a completely decent, productive member of society upon his release?
e) What if the person committed murder to avenge the death or sexual violation of his/her child? I don't know about y'all, but I think I could totally commit a planned murder of someone who had hurt my child. Would I deserve the death penalty for that? What about if I was an abused woman and killed my husband to protect myself...but not in the heat of the moment, what if I planned it in advance?
Oh, so many scenarios to consider.
Okay, I better quit now before I bore you all to tears. Sorry it's longer than I promised it would be. I'm working again tomorrow, so I'll be by all my fellow Blog Walker's pages later in the day tomorrow. Have a good night, all!
Jenn OUT...
Quote of the Day: "The years teach much which the days never knew."
Ralph Waldo Emerson 19 agosto Saturday Blog WalkSo, you know that Blog Walk thing I do on Wednesdays from Tanya’s site? Well, now I’ve joined a second Blog Walk that will take place on Saturdays, courtesy of Christine. If you want to join either of these blog walks, click on the ladies' names and go to their sites. Here’s the first entry, and the topic is:
Describe something that you’re too scared to do, and why?
I think my reasons will be fairly obvious.
Wow, now I kinda feel like a pussy, so here’s what I’m NOT afraid to do:
Jenn OUT...
P.S. Kenny! Write a book!
Quote of the Day: "The only good luck many great men ever had was being born with ability and determination to overcome bad luck." Channing Pollock 16 agosto Blog Walk - Week 4Okay, this is Blog Walk – Week 4, people. If you like this idea, go to Tanya’s site and sign up for next week. The topic this week is:
Favourite Place In The World, And Why
Since I’ve never been out of BC/Alberta (except I was born in Ontario, but moved to BC when I was 4), I really don’t have a geographical place to call my favourite. But if I had to choose somewhere I love to be, it’s bed. Perhaps that’s just because I’m writing this at midnight, and I have to get up for work in 6 hours, but honestly, I love bedtime.
Sometimes, when I crawl into bed after a particularly hectic or stressful day, I snuggle down under the covers and actually giggle…right out loud. I think it takes me back to when I was a child and my Dad used to tuck me in at night. It was such a bonding time for us. Read a story, say our prayers, kiss the teddy, snuggle in, kiss on the forehead, I love you…giggles and hugs. Sweet dreams. Funny thing is, I like the same exact things about bedtime now that I’m an adult. Now if I could just find someone to kiss my forehead each night and say “I love you”.
Jenn OUT...
P.S. Fellow Blog Walkers - I am working days today, but I assure you, I'll be around to your sites to check out your favourite places as soon as I get done.
Quote of the Day: "The difference between perseverance and obstinancy is that one often comes from a strong will and the other from a strong won't." H.W. Beecher
07 agosto Response to CommentI received a comment on my blog yesterday, and I’m sorry, Chris, but I just HAVE to pick it apart a little:
“Damn you think too much..don't forget this life is about survival...not fun, hapiness, or even peace...What truly makes life easy or difficult is the fact in which way you react to every situation you are presently in.. Love is what you are looking for then understand it can be with a guy who has no asperations what so-ever in life. Love is not money, or the desire to make it. Love is not a home, or even children. Love is what you have in your heart to give and what you'd like to get in return. Survival is about the house, kids, and a legacy.... My dad's legacy to his children isn't the house, or money. His legacy is how I've learned to cope with every scenario in which I have to deal with everyday.. His legacy isn't even to me..it's to the world and it's survival...."ME" I am my dad's legacy to everyone I deal with, because of my kindness, sincerity, generosity, and above the normal gentle nature to all mankind for everyone is LINKED. What are you truly looking for Jen?”
You said “Love is what you are looking for then understand it can be with a guy who has no aspirations what so-ever in life”. Whoa! That sentence doesn’t really make sense, but I disagree with it anyway. I used to believe that “love is all you need”, but I was horribly mistaken. It takes FAR more than love to make something last forever…to make a marriage work. It takes two people, working as hard as they can, at all times, to go in the same direction. It takes mutual respect, trust, admiration, and yes, AMBITION. Without these things, I do not believe a relationship can be successful.
Then you said “Love is not money, or the desire to make it. Love is not a home, or even children. Love is what you have in your heart to give and what you’d like to get in return. Survival is about the house, kids, and a legacy…”. You’re right – well, partly right anyway. Love IS what’s in your heart, but I repeat, you cannot be successful in a relationship if ALL you have is love. You need all the other things – money, a home, and goals to work towards – if the love is to last a lifetime. Trust me on this one, I’ve tried to make relationships work that had nothing going for them EXCEPT the fact that we loved each other.
Next, you said “My dad's legacy to his children isn't the house, or money. His legacy is how I've learned to cope with every scenario in which I have to deal with everyday.. His legacy isn't even to me..it's to the world and it's survival...."ME" I am my dad's legacy to everyone I deal with, because of my kindness, sincerity, generosity, and above the normal gentle nature to all mankind for everyone is LINKED”. A love between a parent and child (like you and your Dad) is completely different from the love between two adults. You cannot compare the two. A person could be a wonderful Father or Mother and still be a terrible spouse. It all depends on the compatibility of the two adults…and on all the other things I mentioned that make the marriage solid. Why do so many marriages fail these days? Think about it. I’m sure these people all loved each other at one time. I’m sure some of them even tried really, really hard to make it work. But obviously they were missing something…or one of them was. It takes two people to make it work, and each must be as committed to making it work as the other. If one becomes less driven to stay in the marriage, it can’t work.
And lastly, you said “What are you truly looking for Jen?” I think I stated quite clearly in my blog what I’m looking for. I want all the things in my partner that I mentioned earlier, AND I want love…but I will no longer settle for JUST love. It isn’t enough. No matter how you romanticize it, it just isn’t. I believe I can choose who NOT to fall in love with, and from now on, I will choose to not allow myself to fall in love with anyone who doesn’t have all the other qualities I’m looking for first. Maybe I’m a hard-ass, I dunno. I actually think I’m quite romantic, but I think I’ll choose more wisely who to be romantic with in the future, since what I’ve been doing all these years hasn’t worked out so well for me.
I sincerely hope my answer to your comment hasn't completely offended you. I believe you have the right to state your opinion, just as I do...but since it's my blog (and you don't have a blog), you'll have to put up with my ranting much more than I'll have to put up with yours. Feel free to answer, if you dare. Perhaps we just misunderstood each other, I don't know...but if that's the case, I hope I made my points a little clearer with this entry.
Jenn OUT...
Quote of the Day: "We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing, while others judge us by what we have already done." Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
03 agosto Blog WalkDid y'all think I died? I haven't blogged in a few days, I know...Everything I wanted to blog about was not appropriate to tell the world, so I just boycotted my site for awhile. But I'm here now.
Anyway, I signed up for this thing called "Blog Walk" on Tanya's site. We're supposed to write about whatever topic she chooses every Wednesday. If you want to know more about this, or if you want to join, go to her site and see what you've got to do to be a part of it. This week's topic is "My Most Memorable Moment", so here goes nothing:
My Most Memorable Moment
I can’t think of an exact “moment” that was memorable….well, there was this one time….at band camp. No, no, no, that’s not what this is supposed to be about, I’m sure.
Anyway, I’m going to talk about the most memorable TIME in my life, instead of just a moment. And the reason this is the most memorable time for me, is because I learned the most about myself during this time. It was a span of time that had the most impact on who I am today. So here goes.
When I was 21, I met a guy named Brian. I met him through work, and we became fast friends. He was really into metaphysics….karma, past lives, etc…and so was I. He became my teacher, my mentor. We were both looking for a roommate at the time, so it just made sense to move in together. We stayed up late most nights, talking about everything. He fascinated me with how much he knew. I was in awe. I was young and impressionable and it didn’t take much to impress me.
Anyway, we bonded over our interest in metaphysics, and after being completely platonic roommates for 3 months, I knew I was falling in love with him. He went away for 3 weeks over Christmas to work on the oil rigs, and the whole time he was gone, I was doing a lot of soul-searching. Asking myself if I could continue to live platonically with someone I had much stronger feelings for. I knew I couldn’t. When I picked him up at the airport upon his return, I had a plan. I was going to tell him how I felt, and then tell him that if he didn’t feel the same way, he had to move out. I couldn’t suppress my feelings, and it was torturing me to have him in the next room every night when I wanted him beside me. The terminal gate opened at the airport, and there he was. I looked SO good. You gotta look good when you’re about to give a guy an ultimatum like this.
He literally fell into my arms, nuzzled my neck and entwined his body with mine…right there in the airport. You know when you hug someone and you just fit together like a hand in a glove? It felt like we were one person. We got into my car to drive home, and we were talking about his adventures over the past 3 weeks. I was so nervous about this “talk” I knew we had to have when we got home. All of a sudden, he pulled into a parking lot at a grocery store, parked the car and turned it off. What the…? He turned to look at me, and what he said next made me feel like we were the only two people in the world.
Obviously, I can’t remember his EXACT words, but basically, what he said was: “Jenn, I realized while I was gone, that you mean more to me than a roommate. You have become my best friend over these past few months, and I have totally fallen in love with you. I know this might come as a shock to you, but I feel like if I don’t say something now, I’m going to explode. I can’t live with you anymore under these circumstances. I need more from you….or else I need to get out of our house and move on, emotionally”.
I was blown away! That’s what I was gonna say! It was at this moment that I knew how good it felt to have someone feel the same way about me, as I felt about them…for the first time in my life. I told him about my “plan” to tell him how I felt, and we laughed, and then we cried, and then we hugged, and then we drove home really really fast so we could finally express our feelings….physically. It was a wonderful night!
Anyway, Brian and I ended up together for four and a half years. I found out about 6 months after we confessed our true feelings to each other that he was an alcoholic. He had been pretty good at hiding it - just drinking on the weekends, and after all, we were only 21, so it was quite normal for us to go out and tie one on on a Saturday night. But after 6 months together, it started to become more often….like every day. And then it was a case of beer a day, then a 26 of rye every day, then both, then he would have a beer for breakfast, then he stopped eating anything and just drank (“don’t wanna kill the buzz”, he’d always say). By this time, I was far too entrenched in the relationship to just walk away. I would have done anything for Brian. I loved him. But soon, that love turned into co-dependency.
I can’t even count how many times I gave him my last 10 bucks to go get a six-pack, and I went without whatever I needed in order to keep him happy (a.k.a. drunk). I paid all the bills because he couldn’t hold a job, I took his verbal and emotional abuse, I lost all my friends and my only confidante was his mother (who, by the way, was also an alcoholic). My family alienated me because obviously, they could see what was happening and they were not about to “support” me in my decision to stay with him. During those 4+ years, I never spent a holiday with both my family AND my boyfriend. And when I did go to my parents’ house for Christmas or whatever, the relationship between us was so strained because of Brian, that I didn’t have a good time. At one point, I was even willing to give up my family and just take on Brian’s dysfunctional family as my own. Thank God I could never quite bring myself to break all ties to my own family.
Wow, this is a long story, huh? Okay, I’ll skip to the end. Brian cheated on me (surprise, surprise, eh?), and I begged him to try and work things out with me…because I was weak and had extremely low self-esteem. That was the beginning of the end. Brian began drinking even MORE heavily and spending even MORE time away from me. He got a job (that his best friend got him) running a telemarketing room, full of 17-23 year old girls, most of which, immediately became infatuated with Brian…he was very charming. He worked evenings, and I worked days. We never saw each other while we were both awake. For the last year of our relationship, I never once saw Brian sober. I would get up and go to work in the mornings, by the time I got home, he was gone to his job, and when he came home at midnight (or usually much later), he was drunk, then we’d start the next day all over again the same way.
Somehow, somewhere within myself, I found the strength to leave. When I told Brian I was leaving, he was perfectly okay with it. I found my own place, and the night before I was to move out, he stayed out all night (cheating on me, of course). He never showed up to help me move my stuff to the new place until it was too late…I was already done. I moved every stick of furniture and every box by myself…with tears streaming down my face. It took me a good, solid year after I got my own place, to stop coming whenever he called, which was usually around 2 am. I got emotionally stronger each time I talked to him though, and one New Years Eve, my resolution was to never see him again. I stuck to that resolution, and he was so shocked the first time I refused to come when he called….it was such a good and powerful feeling. And that was the beginning of me rebuilding my self esteem that he had ripped to shreds over the previous (almost) 5 years.
Anybody who knows me (in person) now, will be reading this with a puzzled look on their faces because I am nothing like that woman now. I have spent the past 8 years or so, fixing all the things that were “broken” about myself. I’m not done yet either. Brian affected me more than any other human being (excluding my parents, of course) in my life. He created someone in me that I didn’t like, and because of him, I am stronger than I was before I met him. He taught me so many things…good and bad. Even today, the time I spent with him affects me. We fought with intensity, we made love with intensity. Together, we were intense. Today, I am still looking for the “good” intensity in my relationships, but I will no longer take the bad with the good.
And that’s my story. Sorry it’s so long. I hope you had the patience to read it.
Jenn OUT... 25 luglio A Year In ReviewToday is my birthday. One year ago today, my boyfriend told me he had cheated on me and was moving back to Kelowna to be with his new love. He told me he didn't love me anymore. Just the day before, he had told me that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Just an hour before, we had made love. It didn't take much for my birthday this year to be better than last year.
I look back over this past year, and I have been through so many emotions. For a solid six months after he left me, I couldn't care less about anybody or anything. This made starting a new job in nursing particularly difficult, since caring about people was one of the main requirements. I made it through those six months with the help of my family and exactly TWO close friends who listened to me bitch, hugged me when I cried, and slapped me silly when I got too emotional.
The next six months were much better. I have healed completely, with only a hint of distrust for men. Many people have told me that with all the bad relationship experiences I've had, I should be a lot less trusting, but I believe that every person should be judged based on who they are, not on who everyone else before him was. Maybe I'm stupid.
Anyway, I had a strange experience last night that I'm not willing to share with anybody at this point...but it made me realize that I have come so far since that aweful birthday a year ago. Today, I went for lunch with my parents, had a really good heart-to-heart with my Mom after we dropped my Dad off at work. We have had our problems relating to each other over the years, and it seems like the older I get, the more I agree with her point of view on many things. It feels so weird to even say that. When I was younger (much younger), I used to say that the worst thing I could ever do is be "just like my parents". But that is exactly who I'm becoming...at least in terms of how I see life, and what's important to me. I guess the apple never falls far from the tree (except in extreme circumstances). In some cases, that's a bad thing, but in my case, I'm perfectly fine with becoming like them. I respect them more than anyone else in this world. Holy growing up, eh Batman?
So, here's my message for tonight: If your parents are still alive, hug them and tell them how much you love them. Thank them for the time they spent teaching you, and worrying about you, and loving you.
Jenn OUT...
Quote of the Day: "How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?"
Author Unknown
20 luglio Venting...Have you ever felt frustrated for no reason at all? I don't know what's up with me the last few days, but everything has just been pissin' me off.
After talking with my friend, Blue, who always makes me feel better, I think I might have some idea where all this is coming from. My birthday is coming up soon, and I feel like I'm not where I'm supposed to be in my life. I don't feel old or anything, I just feel like I haven't accomplished what I thought I would by this time in my life.
When I was in my early 20's, I thought that by the time I was 35, I'd be married, have a couple kids, be living in my own house (and not paying someone ELSE'S mortgage), and I thought I'd be firmly entrenched in the career of my dreams. So far, the only part of that dream that's come true is my career. I love being a nurse so much, it's stimulating and satisfying in so many ways, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.
I spent my 20's messin' around with guys who were no good for me (one alcoholic + two guys with dead-end jobs = 8 years of my life). If I had made the decision to go to school and become a nurse when I was, say, 22...or even 24 or 25, I'd be in such a different place right now. Y'all know that I always say that everything happens for a reason, and that we should never regret our past experiences because they make us who we are today...and I firmly believe that. But over the last few days, I've been feeling sorry for myself, and that logic has taken a back seat. I know, logically, that I wouldn't be the kind of nurse I am today if I hadn't had those experiences in my 20's. Clearly, I wasn't ready to be a nurse back then, so things may not have worked out so well in my career, if I had tried to do it then. I know that. But it still chaps my ass that I waited so long. Listen to me!!! If you're under the age of 25, and you're miserable in your job...GO BACK TO SCHOOL!! Find something you love doing, spend tons of money and get a piece of paper that says you can do it for the rest of your life - you won't regret it!
The other thing that's really buggin' me is the fact that I don't have a family yet. I had a long talk with my Mom last night, and for some reason, she brought up the fact that none of us kids have any children of our own yet. I'm already a little sensitive about that, so the discussion turned into tears really quickly. Whenever she jokingly brings up the subject of "grandchildren", I always say "Look Ma, do you want me to do it NOW, or do you want me to do it RIGHT?" She always says she wants me to do it right. The one thing I've done "right" in my life, is to NOT have children with any of the men I have loved. I knew in my heart they would not make good fathers, and it is SO important to me that I make the right choice where my future children are concerned. If all I wanted was the children, I'd already have done it a hundred times...but I want the whole shebang...I want the husband too, the family. I do not choose to be a single mother.
And this is where the tears came in with my conversation with my Mom last night. A few years ago, I told her that if I didn't have children by the time I was 35, I'd seriously consider a sperm donor and I'd just do it by myself. Fuck the guy! Who needs him? So she asked me last night if I was still considering that option. I was actually surprised to hear myself say that I was NOT willing to do that anymore. Wha..? As I said, I would not choose to be a single mother, and the older I get, the more I am unwilling to take the risks involved in a pregnancy of a woman "my age"...unless I have the support of a husband. Anyway, to make a long story short, I told my Mom that if I didn't have a child in the next 3 years, I wasn't going to do it, and that right now, my prospects aren't very good. I also reassured her that I wasn't going to do it in the next 3 years unless I was married...I'm not going to do it just 'cause my clock is ticking...that's just stupid! I did, however, mention that I would consider adoption (by myself) if I made it to 40 without finding "the one". I just wouldn't be carrying my own child after the age of 38...and that's pushin' it.
You know, I realize that by the time anyone is my age, it is difficult to find a man who hasn't already had a life, and who doesn't already have children, and I'm okay with that. If I meet someone who has already had all the children he wants to have, and if we fall madly in love and want to spend the rest of our lives together, I'd be satisfied with just having his children be a part of my life. It's not some "need" I have to experience pregnancy and childbirth (my Mother died in childbirth, so to be truthful, I'm terrified of it)...it's just a very strong desire to experience "family life", and to have children around me to teach and to learn from.
Whew! You're right. That DOES feel better to vent about this. And now that I've probably scared away every guy who has ever, or will ever, read my blogs, I think I'll call it a day. Mission accomplished.
Jenn OUT...
Quote of the Day: "Don't marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can't live without.
James C. Dobson
15 luglio Ain't Love Grand?I'm in a mood today. A romantic mood. Not a horny mood, that's a little different. It's a squooshy-mushy silly mood. I keep thinking about all the wonderful things that happen when you're in love. I've been thinking of classic love songs (like "The Rose"), and of the beautiful love that is shared between two people just after they watch their baby come into this world, and of the laughter and tears that come so easily when you are with someone you trust so completely. I'm thinking of all the dull, day-to-day things that become exciting when you're doing them with someone you've found new love with...things like grocery shopping, cleaning the house with the music cranked up loud, and cooking dinner together.
Falling in love is such a wonderful process, filled first with hopes, followed by doubts, and finally, elation...when you find out the other person feels exactly the same way you do. I love that feeling. And the first time you make love, all the nerves and anticipation...and finding that they just disappear the first time he touches your face. Looking into each other's eyes, and having an entire conversation without saying a word. The first time he grabs your hand in public, and how your heart skips a beat when you realize that everyone around you now knows that you are together.
Staying up all night, laying on a blanket on the living room floor...surrounded by candles you haven't lit for a really long time. Exploring every single inch of the other person's hands as you hold them in your own. Noticing little things about the other person's facial expressions that you never noticed in the daylight...the way he crinkles his brow, or the way his mouth curves up more on one side than the other...and falling in love with him all over again, not despite his flaws, but because of them.
Talking about things that don't really matter as if they were life and death...like how he feels about religion, politics, his family, money...commitment. Feeling the butterflies in your tummy when he says something you didn't expect him to say, but is exactly what you wanted to hear. Hearing him ask how you feel about him, and being comfortable enough to answer honestly, knowing that he wants to tell you how much he wants you in his life, too.
Ah yes...ain't love grand? It's a strange mood I'm in today, especially since I'm not currently in love. I think I'm PMS'ing, and that's my biggest problem. I suppose if feeling romantic is the worst thing that happens when I have PMS, I shouldn't complain, huh? I'm off to work now...not exactly the best place to be when I'm in this mood. Have a fabulous day y'all...and if you're in love with someone, tell them. If you're not in love with someone, I'll share my mood with you.
Jenn OUT...
Quote of the Day: "Love doesn't really make the world go round, it just makes people so dizzy, it looks like it." Author Unknown
10 luglio Bitter-SweetLast night was awesome at work! One of my patients was very sick. He had been improving over the past few days, but then at the beginning of my shift, he told me he felt "a heaviness" in his chest. Uh oh. So I did my little assessment, took his vitals, listened to his heart and his breathing, etc. etc. Everything was normal except his pulse was a little high. So I decided I'd just keep an eye on it and check him again in half an hour. But when I walked out of his room, something was just gnawing at me...I couldn't shake the feeling that there WAS something wrong with this guy. So, to cover my ass, I called the resident on-call, and told him the situation. He came up to our unit and did his own assessment of the patient, ordered a bunch of blood tests and an ECG...STAT! We kept a close watch on buddy, and when the results of all the bloodwork came in about half an hour later, we knew that he had probably had a heart attack. His Troponin (which test for damage to the heart) was 0.54 (normal is >0.1), and his D-Dimer (which checks for blood clots) was 3.54 (normal is 0.51). So when I told the resident THIS information, he says "ah, shit!". And then...get this....he sheepishly says "Should I do a cardiology consult?". He's asking ME! Hee hee, I love having power! So I, not wanting to flaunt my superhero powers, said "Well, you're the doctor, if you want a cardiac consult, it shall be done". That was enough of a hint for him...he ordered it, it was done, and buddy was sent to CCU (Cardiac Care Unit) within the next half hour. He was WAY too sick to be on our floor, we didn't have the experience, nor the equipment to monitor him properly, and he was in need of emergency cardiac surgery.
So, it was a very bitter-sweet night for me because this was the first time I had a very critical situation that could have gone in a completely different direction, and the guy would have died...I went with my gut, and I was right. It feels so good to know that I finally have enough experience to even HAVE a "nurse's instinct". But on a bad note, buddy probably died in surgery, or he will shortly after. He had some extremely complicated stuff wrong with his heart (which I won't go into) and the surgery was tagged "emergency" because one of his problems is known to cause the heart to stop spontaneously. I know, it's difficult to understand when you don't know the details, but confidentiality wins out over explanation. I will be calling over to Foothills Hospital tonight to find out his status and I'll keep you posted...if you care.
|
||||
|
|
